Former Lesbian, Present Douchebag

!!!

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 10:22:48 GMT

Hello! Please visit this place if you like validatethis.com

Heya

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 21:28:28 GMT

Email me if you want my new LiveJournal address. vtmail@shaw.ca

Joyous Vancouver Antics and Folly

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 00:21:38 GMT

Team Makeout. Bringing back first base.

validatethis.com

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 11:23:12 GMT

I've been secretly working on a new edition of validatethis.com for about a month. Joey, Kim, Alex, and Sophie have been helping me along. I've put up a page at a temporary URL for updates and information. Also a list of what we're working on, so that hopefully you can find something you'd lke to work on with us. Check it out at girlsalad.com.

You can link to the site now with the girlsalad.com address, if you would be so kind. I'm not sure if all of the old flock will find their way back through my journal alone. Leave a comment if you do plug it somewhere, so I can return the favor when it's up.

Also, due to some rather odd problems with AIM, the flimsy pickles screenname is broken and useless. Please use ok dink instead.

Hello

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 07:15:34 GMT

Please, send me an instant message via AOL Instant messenger on my NEW screenname...

flimsy pickles

Also, please copy the name to your journal and ask your friends to bother me. I will be checking all of your journals for compliance!

I am that bored.

y/n

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 13:36:48 GMT

Are you with me?

Sat, 28 May 2005 12:01:00 GMT

I can be such a dink. I’m ignoring everybody while Kim and I settle in to our new domestic fig leaf. I’ve spent more time with this girl in the last week than any other person in my life, probably including my mother when I was a baby. I’m willing to bet she would go it alone when the time came for a piddle. Kim has peed while I’ve shaved more times than I’m going to count up. That’s love, huh?

But while we may be pissing with joy over here, I’ve found it incredibly difficult to make time for my friends. I managed to get out and see Kitty the other day, which was nice. Kim wound up coming along, which inherently changes the dynamic of the outing. Because she’s not the stupid/smart adventurer type that Kitty is and that I like to be. Because I’m obliged to pay her more attention as if it were some sort of a contest. It was still good and fun and all of that, but I need to get out on my own. Especially with someone like Kitty. We have a thing and other people ruin it. We have a thing that I need to keep from going insane.

I miss Sophie some too. She’s the other side of my bestest-friendest coin. Kitty brings out the child in me, and we do childish things and generally appreciate that we’re both still able to act like children with all of the grown-up mess that we’ve been in. And with Kim of course I get to play like I’m a really for-serious adult, cooking dinners and fretting over finances. Sophie makes me act my age. We talk about politics like we can actually make a difference. And talk about our personal shit. She is the most loyal and caring person I’ve known. Other than Kim, who just sort of wins by obligation and default Listening to Sophie counseling a friend over the phone, you forget she’s 18. Because I tells ya, she’s not.

I have dinner with my sister tonight. I’m avoiding the rest of my family while the dust settles on the latest blip in my professional life. Which is far too boring and typical to discuss here, really. But dinner with Roberta tonight will be nice. Kim’s coming, I asked her to. Because I don’t need space from her, I just need the space to let my friends in. And you know how girlfriends and sisters are, right? They’ll pick on me all afternoon. It will be nice.

Kim’s out of town Sunday – now accepting applicants for outhangage.

Top3z

Sun, 22 May 2005 09:52:30 GMT

My three favorite songs by my three favorite artists. Meme it up if you like, or if you don't have a journal just post a comment.

Sarah Slean
-When Another Midnight
-Book Smart, Street Stupid
-The Score

The Dears
-Lost in the Plot
-Heartless Romantic
-This is a Broadcast

Hawksley Workman
-Paper Shoes
-Old Bloody Orange
-Sad House Daddy

Okay, go!

The Stubborn Albatross

Mon, 16 May 2005 09:16:25 GMT

giantsamongus
(wake/work/sleep)
stuck in traffic, locked in a strangers stare, alone in a crowd
(frightened little mouse)
shut the door, hug a friend, close your eyes, put on your headphones
(you're a giant)
skipping down the bicycle lane with their purple ipod minis
(you tiny, little giants)

my tiny, little artist

4:46am

Mon, 09 May 2005 11:47:11 GMT

Kim and I are now living together.

She's quietly snoring a few feet to my left.

She's only half under two layers of blankets.

You'd think there were stages to blankets.

No blanket, half blanket, full blanket, two blankets...

Half of two blankets is one blanket -- why bother?

Maybe only the right side of her body is cold.

In that case, it's time to start hunting those pesky ghosts.

New place, after all; we've got to find something wrong with it.

Always looking for the flaws.

She's perfect.

Beep.

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 23:54:14 GMT

Hello. If you would be so kind as to bother me on msn, via ohcripes@hotmail.com

Hello.

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 01:09:02 GMT

This journal is now mostly friends-only. This is as boring and quiet a way to announce that as I could think of. Thank-you for your time.

REVIEW

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 02:16:20 GMT

It's okay... I guess.

See Kim's opinion HERE!

To-Do List

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 04:56:47 GMT

Online:

naked girls site (sg ripoff)
the next vt! (20% more pointy)
new comic strip (+site)
me + girl = project (eventually)
update my livejournal (check!)

Nonline:

more time with friends (no less with girl)
quit smoking (it only has to work once)
not withdraw from savings (plz)
possible print zine (sophie? help!)
move closer to work (+girl)
brag about my new job (check!)

You?

(unporn)

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 00:55:55 GMT

Way back in the year 2002, a little site known as SuicideGirls was beginning to make a name for itself amongst the elite of the Internet subculture. It was new and exciting, and it brought together my two favourite genres: weblogs and porn. Tattooed, pierced, angst-ridden little spitfires posing for softcore pinup shots and writing about all the dreams they had and the shoes they bought. It was, and still is, really quite a remarkable site.

But it wasn't entirely original. I had been working and affiliating myself with these types of sites for some time before SG came along. For a while, my own site was starting to drift towards that niche, but pretending to be a lesbian made it more than a little difficult to set up a photoshoot. Spooky manages to do it by letting Missy pretend to run his site, but my sister would never have gone quite so far to better Validate This.

NakkidNerds was a great site. Aside from Gothic-themed sites and pages with collections of Raver pictures and things like that, NakkidNerds was probably the first of the modern niche sites focusing on alternative styles and subculture. Cloei was behind that site in all aspects, making the title something of a mission statement. There was also BlueBabylon, Alex's site, calling itself "the new erotica" and, with far fewer models, coming up with content that puts SG to shame to this day. Gina at CamChicks would be on SG if she were born a year later. VT helped these sites and others, living vicariously through their total awesomeness.

One morning in May I recieved an email from a the SG webmaster, Spooky, asking for my help. I know, SuicideGirls is such a huge page now, but I was huge at the time and Spooky wasn't getting the traffic he expected. He gave me his AIM screenname and we got to talking about the site and the direction he was taking it in, and he asked me to write about it on VT and put up a link. I was more than a little interested in doing this, just because I thought the site was nifty, and Spooky setting me up with a free account didn't hurt.

Now, the site is fantastic fun for all, but the webmaster is a big giant poopy face. After only a few weeks he cancelled my account. Why? For taking too long writing about him. I began hearing rumours and scandal across the interweb that he was telling folks I had been abusing my cool admin account to gather information on the models and swipe them to start my own page. Reality is that I was just kind of lazy and hadn't gotten around to writing anything yet, but paranoia will do that to a guy.

Actual AIM Log:

Christoph: You deleted my account? You're sucky.
SpookyTool: the condition of me giving you the account was you send me 500 uniques per day and write something about me on validate this. so when you write something about the site I will activate the account again.
Christoph: Nuh! Give me passwords.
SpookyTool: you know the deal... i gave you the link code and you get your free account when you send in the hits and write about me.
Christoph: I've sent you way more than 500 stupid hits every day for like a year or something
SpookyTool: you havent written anything yet.
Christoph: Because you're somewhat stupid.
SpookyTool: dont you want to support suicidegirls?
Christoph: Not particularily.

We kind of drifted apart after that. My site faded and died, and his became a money-making machine and a staple of the Internet. Oh well, life does that to me a lot. I guess I underestimated the worlds love for girls with symbols painted on 'em and metal hanging from their naughty bits. I still like SG, honestly, but I hold these webmaster grudges like you wouldn't believe, man. And that Spooky fellow, he is one helluva tool, I tell ya.

But I still prefer those old sites like NakkidNerds, BlueBabylon, and CamChicks, because they were just there for the fun of it all. The new CamChicks sold out, BlueBabylon is dead, and NakkidNerds is... *checks* ...oh that one's still good, but the point is that SG kind of squashed that revolution for us. But then, being as I'm sort of a revolutionary, and horny, and recently guy-enough to set up photoshoots...

...I could probably eat a cheeseburger. Or start my own site. Vote in the comments.

A Friendly Reminder

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 23:27:53 GMT

^{not quite abstract / not quite arousing / somewhere in the middle / i really do like them}

Tortilla Chips

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 22:30:58 GMT

Have you tried those Zesty Lime Tostitos? I never have, but I think I will give them a try the next time I'm at a grocery store. There's really nothing wrong with expanding your horizons in the world of tortilla chips, but there is the question of whether or not I have the Tostitos-capacity required to love and honor an additional flavor. I'm just not sure.

I really like the scoop ones, and Restaurant Style has always been pretty high up on my list of chips. I know I would like more Tostitos in my life, but does anybody really have the time for all three varieties? I know I'm going to try it, but I'm still a little cautious. I really hope I don't regret this.

I have one theory that I think might work. I figure the Zesty Lime ones are the same shape as Restaurant Style, right? So if I be rid of RS entirely, and just eat my RS-Shaped Lime chips along with my Limeless Scoopy-dudes, I'll still be getting all that the Frito-Lay company has to offer in the form of Tortilla chips.

How can I be sure then, you ask, that the RS chips won't feel abandoned by me? I'm not worried about this at all. I think that ZL's are pretty much RS' coated in some lime. If they really want to be with me, they know what I ask of them.

Tostitos are quite understanding that way, I hear. I hope so. I hope that they understand what a boy really needs from a chip. The only way this can fail is if they're in it purely for the consumption. Because, me, I need a tortilla chip that will treat me right and make an evening of it.

I do love them. It's not weird. I just give them the respect that they give me, you know. They deserve it. I think this is how it should be.

The Little Girl and the Humans

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 05:27:52 GMT

Once there was a girl named Sandy who was never destined to be very happy at all. She liked to indulge in the small things in life, such as building sand castles and playing card games. Her favorite game was Go-Fish, but mostly she just liked the smell of playing cards. She grew up in a suburban town with a racially diverse group of friends, with whom she felt she could truly relate, but all of them were deported by the time she reached six years of age. It was then that Sandy took a turn for the worse.

One morning Sandy and her friend Mindy were playing Go-Fish with a brand new deck of cards, and Sandy was enjoying the smell of them quite a lot. Mindy let out a bit of a toot, which got in the way of the smell of the cards, so Sandy jumped on Mindy's back and killed her instantly and without pain by pounding on her skull for three hours straight. She stopped when a small amount of Mindy's brain tissue landed on the three of spades, for fear that it may permanently ruin her new cards' glorious odor.

Having killed her last remaining friend, Sandy really did feel that she could not belong in such a world as ours. She gave up sand castles and -- eventually -- even playing cards. She would no longer wear her Sunday dress to the church, and instead she often wore her father's boots and a bicycle helmet. Her fellow Jesus enthusiasts were never very comfortable with this. She thought that dolls were stupid.

She began to play with action figures because she felt that she could better relate to them. Her favorite GI Joe was Cobra. All day she would sit on the porch and play with her action figures. She liked to put a match stick in Cobra's hand and have him melt the crotches of her other various figures. She would use her father's decomposing body as a battlefield for her epic battles. His chest had collapsed a while back, so Sandy used his ribcage as a space for the Bad Guys' secret hideout.

Even her father would eventually stink and ruin her life, just like Mindy's toot a couple of years earlier. Sandy actually quite liked this stench, but her neighbors were finicky about such things. She lived such a beautifully happy life until the government finally came to her house and took all of her toys -- her parents and Mindy -- and put them away forever. She was a very sad little girl after that, and never felt she would smile again. She could not relate very well to the bars of a prison cell.

Sandy was placed with a woman who had been in the prison for a very long time. They would never relate to each other very well at all. One day the woman decided to throw Sandy down a flight of stairs and steal her Cobra t-shirt. Sandy didn't like that, so she had to get herself a posse to hold the large woman down for purposes of sodomy. When Sandy and crew finished up their mischievous plot, she shoved a fork through the woman's eye socket, killing her instantly and without pain.

The first thing Sandy did when she got out of prison was change her name to Grout and buy a pack of pencils. She was almost eleven years old -- which is young for a convicted murderer -- but had never held a pencil before, so she rushed home with all kinds of creative ideas in mind. She was eager to draw something, for the first time in her life, so she ran straight to her room and grabbed a loose piece of paper and prepared to draw. Sadly, she noticed the pencil wasn't sharpened.

She tried to sharpen it with scissors but kept breaking it at the tip. She tried to sharpen it by screaming at it but her throat grew raw and the pain was too much to bear. So she marched right back to the store, pencil in hand, to fix the problem. The clerk stepped out from the back room and asked how he could help her. Grout held up her pencil and waited for the clerk to figure it out.

The clerk did not understand. After a few hours, Grout moved closer and said to him, "broken." The clerk looked at the pencil carefully, and asked just in what way it could be seen as broken. "Unsharp," said Grout, and then she took the dull pencil and jammed it through the clerks’ eye socket, killing him instantly and without pain. Who could possibly relate to a pencil which was not sold sharpened?

Knowing that the government would soon be at her door once again, Grout disappeared for a time into the wilderness. There she met a racially diverse group of fuzzy forest friends who she knew that she could truly relate to. For years she lived in the woods with these creatures, learning the ways of the world from them and eventually forgetting all about her life as a human being. She was very happy here.

When Grout was about nineteen years of age, the government found another way to ruin things for her. They chopped down all of the trees and killed all of Grout's friends. They found her hiding in a pile of branches and brought her back to civilization. Terribly afraid, she refused to venture into the world again, knowing by scent that the outside was not a happy place. She simply sat in her room under and -- under constant surveillance -- began to write on the Internet under the pseudonym "Christoph McFloss."

The Evolution of Stupid

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 08:56:25 GMT

After my Interview with Joey Michaels, I’ve been fondly looking back on the E/N scene. That is, of course, most of the reason behind putting together The Valid -- to serve as a community page for those from my old online stomping grounds, as well as a message board for my friends and new folk and the like. Should people use it – and by all means, mention it in your journals – it could work out to be a great, and unique, corner of LiveJournal. I like it a lot so far.

But that’s not what this entry is about. This entry is about a discussion I had with Kim after she read my interview. What amazes me is how alike we are, and how that’s not limited to us two. The way we interact with each other is very much the way we would do it online. It’s ridiculous the way that today’s young socialize, but it’s ridiculous in a good way.

Kim and I like to play fight. This is soon followed by a giggle fit, loss of control breeding great farts, yet more giggling, and then probably sex. Really, it’s just like your typical AIM or MSN conversation; you exchange a few jokes, it quickly turns to toilet humour, and inevitably the subject gets around to tits and ass. But that’s not really new; it’s just something that has probably been amplified by our now much greater access to and love for off-beat comedy.

My friend Kitty and I are typically just as immature. Sitting on the grocery store floor flipping through colouring books and talking about, I don’t know, flying butt weasels. When you’re with certain people, your personality shifts or comes out to a greater degree, and both would be the case here. The same goes for many of my friends. And it’s good, it really is, because who needs to be sitting in chairs talking about politics these days? Really, who needs it?

Kim or Kitty or Sophie or Jessica, these are people in my life offline who I can talk to about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Slashdot, Zim, crackwhores, or how itchy my balls are. They are all, like myself, of that new breed of nerd. We’re just normal, cool kids, maturing a little bit slower than previous generations but earning a lot of valuable life experience and laughing all the way. This is the world today.

So I would change my answer now to Joey’s question about why our scene of websites has died off in the past few years. I said that people got bored with the niche sites because they were so readily available as the very similar Blogger or even LiveJournal format. Expanding on that, it’s a matter of Internet sub-culture simply maturing into a new arena. It’s boring to read or write about it now that the sub-culture is just plain... culture. The E/N sites may be gone, but the kids behind them are providing the same quality content at your nearest coffee shop.

The Valid

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 01:22:41 GMT

Have you ever said to yourself, "I wish there was a place where I could write some stuff?" What about some stuff that is barely even good? Furthermore, have you often wondered, "will there ever be a place where Validate This and Unlovely and Whoever Else can sort of hang out together and maybe write some stuff?" Wonder no longer, buddy-chap! Me and some other people proudly present:

THE VALID!

Come now friends -- write some stuff that is barely even good in a place where Validate This and Unlovely and Whoever Else can sort of hang out together. I know you've always wanted to.

The Interview

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 12:57:03 GMT

My good friend and associate Joey Michaels has taken to doing interviews with various dried-up Internet celebrities as a sort of "where are they now?" Being a dried-up Internet celebrity myself, it just sort of came about one morning that I was subjected to one such interview.

THE INTERVIEW

Please, if you learn something from this piece that you did not wish to know about me, disregard it entirely or replace it with "Christoph is sort of funny in a gay way."

Hello, OKAY?

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 06:52:49 GMT

Hello. I’ve written about a hundred and forty-seven introductions by now. If you don’t know who I am then you’re wrong and should double-check; there’s no way you forgot me, man, I’m pretty clearly awesome. Unless you’re stupid – and most people are. I won’t hold it against you. Welcome to Me.

Oh, what the hell. In case you forgot, here’s a quick run-down!

I was a lesbian but now I’m just sort of a douchebag for no apparent reason.
I am destined to die in a call centre, of heart disease, drenched in cat urine.
My website got 46,000 hits one day because an evil jap-scat peddler told everyone I coated my genitals in peanut butter.
My girlfriend is somewhat lesbian as well and wears wicked awesome glasses.
I was once the subject of an ongoing exposé for several weeks including the hiring of a private investigator to collect data on my personal life, and they still got it all wrong.
I lived in a house with (at one time) more than twenty cats, hundreds of rats, four dogs, eight turtles, many small rodents and lizards.
Oh, I wasn’t insane – I was an animal shelter.
Did I mention my site was popular?
Seriously, girls would write on their tits and stuff.
It was on MSNBC once. Briefly.
Why doesn’t anybody love me anymore? :(

This journal will have new stuff as well as old stuff. Stuff you've never seen before or would have thought you would ever see from me, and also the same tired crap I've been rolling with for these past eight long years. It will suck and you will love it.